Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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