he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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