There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
