Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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