i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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