I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
whose ass print is on the piano?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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