i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
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