i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just invented taco cereal.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Randomize
