Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
