Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
