He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
