Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
