im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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