Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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