we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
