I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
