I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
