Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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