also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
