The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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