We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
