Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
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Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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