I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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