she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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