Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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