seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
