I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
