and my herpes radar will keep us safe
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
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Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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