you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
