so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
