I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
