I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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