i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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