My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
