There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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