I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
