Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
