New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
