Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
