I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
