dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
