I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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