Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
