Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
