Already got asked if we're dating
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
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I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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