Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
time to smoke my breakfast
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
