She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
