he wants to bone in the snuggie
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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