I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
