on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
