my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
