Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
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