I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Holy shit dude........stairs
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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