Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
