If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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