broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
