i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
