just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
