Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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